Senior year in college is about to start. Looking back at the years here, physically and mentally I've become a skeleton of what I was like entering this place. Excitement's died down, and I don't feel ready to take on the world anymore, let alone the classes and people I'm inevitably going to need to interact with soon.
I've lost so many friends along the way, sometimes the fault being mine, and other times the fault still being mine; It's always my fault, I'll never yield this fact. But I can't blame them, being friends with me is like being friends with five different personalities: you never know which personality you're going to end up talking with at any given moment. I don't have my own character, I just act how others want me to act, I don't want them to get bored of me (What's the difference between semicolons and colons? I swear I learned this difference sometime before).
When looking to family for support, I don't see anything but more decay. Strained relationships, and a lack of connection. I don't know what our dynamic will be like ten years from now.
My dog is aging so much. A decade ago he was just the jumpiest, smallest dog ever. He would run everywhere, bark every two minutes, and would jump all over the place when the words "walk" and "treat" were pronounced. Now he's much older. Multiple surgeries for his legs and ears, partial deafness, and he limps almost everywhere. Rarely does he run around, and when he does it's met with a one hour nap right after, draining him of all his energy.
However, he's still one of the happiest souls I know. Regardless of his slow-down, he still gets eager when we come home, he still jumps and yelps for treats, and he still whines every time we eat dinner, hoping for leftovers. How does he do it? Does he not know that time is creeping up on him?
The answer is that he's disassociated with everyone. He lives his own life, and he doesn't let others dictate how he feels, he never did. Nothing brings him down, not his family, his surroundings, the weather, nothing. He's his own entity.
This is something I really need to learn. Disassociate from my friends, my family, and the world. Figure out who I am, what my code is, and live by that code and that code only.
I've been getting pushed around too much when I just act how they want me to act. Friends, family, and work. Especially work; just this summer, I was given ungodly amounts of busy work to do, and I would ever say a word. Before teaching my discussions this summer, I would almost slap myself to snap out of it; get rid of any sad thoughts, any nerves, and teach with full enthusiasm and attention. At least the students seemed to appreciate it.
I don't blame my coworkers at all, why wouldn't you make someone who claims they're always willing to help out, help out? This is, as is a theme in this post, my fault, and therefore my responsibility to fix.
Things will get better soon. The faster I disassociate, the faster I don't let others' perceptions bother me, the faster I can be like my dog. Happy, content with the life I have, and ready to take on the world. It will happen soon.
